| a girl should be two things: classy and fabulous - coco chanel |
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| FRIENDS ONLY |
[17 Dec 2006|09:08pm] |
decided i should make my journal friends only from now on. locked all the old picture posts.
comment to be added!
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| the office party |
[16 Dec 2006|02:37pm] |
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scissor sisters |
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i drank way too much last night.
i wasn't even supposed to go out..had plans for a movie night but as i was leaving the gym el called saying she was back in town from england! so i haaad to go out with her. we went to this total cougar bar..everyone in there was like 35+! they had a live band though so we danced around which was fun. the cougars didn't like us youngins on their turf and of course the old pervert 45 yr old men were drooling at the young meat..haha. we got in a fight with some 30+ crazy lady from the east coast over who's table was who's..it was ridiculous!! is it a local thing or does everyone else call 30+ women who chase after young guys and wear tight pants with lots of hairspray "cougars"?!
my original plan was to drink: 1 stella & max 2 glasses of wine
what i ended up drinking: 1 and 1/2 stellas, 4 cranberry/vodkas, 1 shot ugh. people kept bringing me those cranberry things and i was drunk so i didn't say no =/
i feel disgusted and also hungover..which is not good since tonight is the big office xmas party where everyone will be drinking up a storm and i will NEED to be drinking to have a good time.
i'd say i hit about 1500 yesterday. the weirdest thing though..this morning the scale read 113!! i don't believe i'm actually that though so i'll say i've hit my 115 goal for the party yey. and i definitely won't be 113 tomorrow morning..ate so shitty today already and the party hasn't even begun..including pizza. i hadn't had pizza in forever and mom ordered it and pizza is the best hangover food...aah. i feel better though already. won't be going anywhere near vodka tonight :|
so i found out tonight's menu includes squash soup and a chicken dish...2 things i'm a huge fan of so that's good. i'll focus on the veggies and salad and maybe indulge in a small bun so i don't get too smashed. these xmas functions are brutal...all the alc and food and desserts..it's horrible trying to watch everything and if you do, people act like you're crazy. atleast all the dancing will be good cardio hah.
alright have to go shower, put my face on and paint my nails.
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| mid-december |
[14 Dec 2006|10:31pm] |
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white stripes |
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exams are over! my social research exam was pretty easy and short! it hasn't fully sunk in that i don't have to worry about so many things for a while..ah.
today was a rough day temptation-wise. i was back in the office and our clients and fellow employees keep sending us all these treats for christmas. boxes upon boxes of chocolates and cookies. plus, yesterday they had some huge pot-luck and all the leftover food was brought out again today around the lunch hour. i managed to resist all that, but i did have 4 pot of gold chocolates after my beef & veggie soup for lunch. i looked at the box and those 4 chocolates amounted to 180 cals. bleh. but that wasn't too bad i guess considering the mountains of goodies laying around me.
tonight i went to gym and burned 400 cals..but a few mins ago i felt so sick that i started gagging/nearly puking so i went downstairs and had some baguette. fuck. i think the piece of ham i had at dinner (1/2 a slice + salad) is making me sick..completely regret eating that..uggh...so gross. i will definitely be turned off ham for a while now.
last night i had to visit my grandfather in the hospital and mom and i were standing in line waiting for coffee and i was saying how i wasn't going to have pasta for dinner and she goes, "okay, you can stop losing weight nicole" in a sarcastic voice. i got pissed 'cos 1) nicole richie is 85 lbs. i am 116. HELLO. 2) she tries to sabotage my weightloss i think. 3) i don't want them breathing down my neck.
last night i also bought a new top for the office xmas party on saturday. it's quite cute..cream coloured and silky. i originally had a size small in the change-room but i wanted to see if xs would work because the back was a bit weird so i tried and i think it looks okay.. and i think the back fit better. i'm just worried after too many carbs lately if its going to look shit. still aiming for 115 for the party. i think i *may* have reached it today but i'll have to judge sat morning if i'm there when i weigh-in at the gym.
all this restricting has put me in a bit of a pissy mood lately...ugh. i don't know what to do. i freaked out at the hospital tonight at one of the nurses. my grandfather needed help to make it to the washroom so he buzzed them and after 15 minutes, no one had come! i was furious so i went to the front desk and snapped at the receptionist. this wasn't the first time i've noticed nurses neglecting these poor, elderly patients..it makes me SO mad.
thank you everyone for the book suggestions..i am going to go to the library this weekend to see what i can get =)
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| don't let the days go by.. |
[12 Dec 2006|09:35pm] |
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system of a down |
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i'm in a BLEH mood tonight.
i don't want to study =( social research methods exam tomorrow. i'm actually finding the material quite easy, but i know i'll fuck myself if i get overly confident. i'm just so incredibly ready to be done with school for a bit. i'll be off for 21 days after tomorrow and holy shit, i NEED it. i'm so sick of this whole being couped up indoors studying situation which has been going on for the past weeks. i want adventure, i want FUN, i want to go shopping, i want to see friends, i want to sit down for a whole TWO HOURS to watch a movie without feeling guilty.
anyone have any good book suggestions? i'd also really like to read something besides these shitty textbooks.
on a positive note, i've been maintaining at 116 for the past few days despite my weekend binge situation. my goal is to be down to 115 by saturday for the office xmas party..i want to look good..knowing myself i'll feel fat however. i remember clearly when i was at 130 thinking "115 would be perfect..*sigh*" and now look at me. i'm here and i still feel nasty.
here's a cool little article about alcohol and calories if anyone is interested...
http://www.reallyweirdstuff.com/whichtypeofalcoholhasmorecalories.htm
i am in party-mode already when i need to be in study-mode for the next 20 hours.
here i go back to the books...
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[10 Dec 2006|03:18pm] |
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incubus |
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so i was intoxicated when i wrote that entry last night, heh.
managed to eat nothing til din then a small portion. when it came to desserts, i messed up though...pie and tried some walnut choco cake mom's friend had baked. fuck. and i am still pissed about grace's comment. she's fucking fat and so she had to throw that shot and of course it made me overly upset.
i did get a few good comments last night though. bill, who i haven't seen in years, was like "wow, you look great" and rosie grabbed me from behind and said "skinny minnie!" in a funny voice. i felt fat though. i had to come to my room like atleast 12 times throughout the night to look at myself in the mirror because i felt fat =( is that ocd or what? just an extreme lack of confidence?
i should be studying for research methods today but i had to go to the gym after that pie situation =( burned 500 cals. not going to eat anything 'til tonight. going to uncle's house for a dinner party for brother's bday...tonight should be easy...i HATE what's for din =D
sipping my diet pepsi ..need to go do my make-up..
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| tonight. |
[10 Dec 2006|02:13am] |
drank way too much tonight. ate way too much sweet stuff.
107 is my new aim. talked to jerre today and somehow stuff came up and i told him i was around 116 and he said he likes me best at 122 with a "voluptuous ass". ha. no fucking way..well, maybe the ass thing since my ass will always be perked up i have the feeling bleh. but i'll shoot myself before i go to germany at 122. i really feel like i should pick up some hoodia tomorrow. had a BIG piece of pie tonight and as i sat down with it, my mom's friend say "you're doing so good" as she touched my stomach..then she said "guess you'll have to work extra hard at the gym after this" with a sly wink. fuck fuck fuck. yet i still ate it. i am a fucking fastass and everyone else sees it.
why is it so much easier to just not eat then to eat? because once i start it's so much harder to stop than if i just take nothing. things are going to change - i have another dinner party tomorrow night. too much wine ughh. goodnight.
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| annual xmas bash day. |
[09 Dec 2006|01:44pm] |
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music |
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boney m's greatest hits cd! so good!! |
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today is the day of my family's huge annual christmas party. if i need to focus at any time..it's now! more food than xmas dinner even.
so far i was good today.
breakfast - coffee
gym - burned 400 cals + did some weights. there was a really huge woman there doing weights beside me..good rev. thinspo.
i wasn't gonna eat anything til later but then i realized i might have a higher chance of binging if i do that. so i just had a slice of twelve grain with some avacado spread on it. i feel bad about that but i'm hoping it'll save me somewhat later.
just found out the main meal tonight is pasta and sausages. two things i'm not very fond of..so i'm quite happy about that. i'll stick to salad and have a couple drinks..i'm DYING for a drink..it's been weeks =/
wish me luck ladies aaahhhh
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| frozen & hungry. |
[08 Dec 2006|12:22am] |
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simpsons on tele |
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holy shit. today has been SUCH a hungry day. i don't know why. i craved sweets all day too.
thankfully i controlled myself to approx 1000 but i could've easily had 2000+ i think. i've locked myself in my bedroom for the rest of the night to avoid all that shit.
yesterday i did so well...maybe that's why i'm fucking feeling it today. i pulled something around my left ribs at the gym..in pain =( i gave in and bought a pair of work pants last night. size 0..makes me happy!..but i know they're a big size 0..that store's clothes is made bigger i think. for instance, not comparable to a size 0 at guess. however, the nice thing to remember..at age 14 i was a size 9 in that store. i can't believe i let myself be such a fatass.
ate way too many carbs today ..and chocolate. when i got home from work, i had 2 of those two-bite brownies uggh. together they were 190 cals. i hate myself for that after having eaten more than usual today without excercise. i didn't have dinner. mom wanted to make me 2 of those mini frozen pizzas but i said no and that i'd had 2 brownies. then i immediately realized i shouldn't have said that because she went "oh 2 of those brownies for dinner?!?" so i told her i had had a sandwich as well.
we went to costco after that..was fucking brutal. soo much good food there...i don't even want to think of it because it's going to send me to the kitchen =( when i got home i had a piece of twelve grain bread with a little margarine and a bit of unsweetened apple sauce..after seeing all that food i had to have something..blah.
this morning i was 116. the closer it gets to 110, i almost get scared because i remember it saying 137 SO clearly. i don't really see a difference when i look in the mirror which is frustrating. i got another "weight-loss recognition" today at work though. this cute guy who works on the 5th floor was up and we were talking about the office xmas party and clubbing and all this stuff. i noticed him glancing at me a bit when we were talking and i wondered what he was doing. i left to go check on some stuff for the accounting unit and when i came back, mary louise goes out of nowhere, "so how much weight have you lost?" i was kind of embarrassed because there were 3 other random people from the office in there. i just said 12 lbs because i simply don't want people to ask more q's. so then she goes, " when you left neal just asked me 'has she lost a lot of weight?!'" and he also told her to convince me to go to the xmas party. so now that i've lost weight, he likes me more. i've noticed as i've gotten skinnier i have gotten a bit more attention from guys..but i'm still not very confident in the way i carry myself at all. i really want to work on that..might as well enjoy the smaller figure since it's fucking hell to get it. how can i get more confident..that is the question. neal is a really cute and HILARIOUS guy..charismatic as hell.. but i'm not over jerry..
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[06 Dec 2006|06:57pm] |
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tragically hip |
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today has been a success so far.
i weighed myself at the gym..hovering between 116 and 117! so i'll say 117.
i've had
special k
2 watermelon slices
1/2 cup cottage cheese
1 bite of brownie... had to spit out the rest =( my brother left them out on the counter and i was cleaning the kitchen...bleeeh.
burned 430 at the gym. so i'm sitting around zero calories for the day at the moment.
for dinner i'll probably have a bit of beef stew. i had no idea how many calories carrots have in them..! and sugar. i've been eating the baby ones lately and i checked up on 'em and aah..definitely gonna keep that in mind.
tonight i'll be going to the mall with mom to do some christmas shopping..i'm going to be so tempted to buy stuff..but noo.
( i need some opinions on 2 things.. )
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| adriana lima..perhaps my biggest girl crush.. |
[06 Dec 2006|12:18am] |
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victoria's secret fashion show |
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total cal count consumed today was around 1000. meh. didn't eat lunch but dinner was too much.
went to bodycombat class at the gym. that class is really good. really works the arms ..which I NEED BIG TIME. she didn't work us as hard as usual today though which was disappointing..i'd say i burned around 350.. i dunno..i suck at randomly guessing cals burned by excercise. so i'd say today total cals were about 650-700.
the one thing that actually sucks about losing....you start to need a new wardrobe. which does not fit my budget at the moment seeing as i owe over $500 on my visa and about to book a trip =( ahh. my favourite pair of pin-stripe "work" pants are too baggy. mom laughed and made a comment about them when i walked into the kitchen this morning. i only have 1 pair of pants for work now that look decent. doesn't matter anyways since i've decided not to buy any new clothes at the moment because that would be like "accepting" this weight..if i buy anything it will be right before the trip..hopefully all smaller sizes...i guess i could use that also as incentive..
..but i can't help but want everything at aritzia... www.aritzia.com ..ahh.
victoria's secret fashion show is on right now.
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| exhausted |
[04 Dec 2006|11:52pm] |
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nickleback - rockstar |
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did a lot better today.
1 cup special k
banana
small piece salmon - less than palm
1/2 cup rice
asparagus
orange
burned 430 at gym. therefore, under 500 today. this annoying bitch kept staring at my machine at what levels i was doing.. like she was trying to compete with me or something.
exams were brutal. luckily, when i'm nervous i can't eat. my stomach was growling a bit through the first one. embarrassing, but then it stopped.
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| disgusting. |
[03 Dec 2006|09:26pm] |
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the feeling in my stomach is painful. another low night..
i could blame it on pms and the fact that i have 2 exams tomorrow, but i could have resisted. my stomach hasn't experienced this much food in weeks and now i'm sitting here with sharp pains unable to concentrate on any of this stuff i need to know for tomorrow. on top of that i'm bloated. i look pregnant.
i'll definitely be back to 119-120, maybe even 121. i am disgusting. two steps backwards. i feel like i'm back at my highest. i refused to leave the house today and i'm not looking forward to it tomorrow. tomorrow will be the day from hell and i'm slowly not giving a shit about my exams.
I WILL BE ATLEAST 110 for europe. i keep acting like 110 is so fucking unnattainable and i will never be that skinny, meanwhile it's FUCKING TEN LBS. but i seem to keep hitting 118 and then bouncing back up. it's so pathetic. if i actually got my shit together and stayed focused for more than 1 whole week, i could be 105 even.
starting tomorrow: new yrs plan..major restriction + excersize every day.
looking forward to the feeling of hunger again. i'll take that anyday over this feeling because i know then that something GOOD is happening. nothing tastes better than being skinny. NOTHINGG.
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[02 Dec 2006|04:54pm] |
i am a fucking fat pig who is letting exam stress get to her.
5 hours worth of exams on monday ..totally stressing me out. running to food for comfort..just had a bunch of tostitos and oreos. 2000 for sure today. my stomach hurts.
so not only do i feel like i'm going to do shitty...i'm also getting fat at the same time =(
i'm so fed up...ready to just go sleep.
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| a new month is here... |
[30 Nov 2006|11:46pm] |
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gwen stefani |
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this morning: 118.
probably because i KILLED myself at the gym last night. did 3 levels harder than usual on the elliptical and a faster speed. i was late getting there and it closed at 10 so i had to rush to burn 450 cals within about 35 mins. my towel has never been more soaked and i really felt faint after but after having some ice cream with a cookie last night, i had to.
this is probably the most controlled i've ever been during pms week. although today i had to reach for 1 oreo cookie and i think i may have had a bit too much ham at dinner. went to gym and burned 400 cals. my legs were still aching from last night and i think i've hurt my ankle..i don't know how i made it through but those cals are gone so whatever.
i was pretty good today. went to second cup with amul where he tried to sway me into getting a white chocolate hot chocolate with whipped cream. i was close, but i couldn't bring myself to do it so i got coffee. i put on a tank top that i haven't worn since summer and it's definitely looser. mom's been commenting on my weight the past 2 days. she noticed a pair of pants that used to be quite tight around the ass and thighs are now baggy..i didn't even notice until she pointed it out and i'm quite thrilled about that! i'm fairly positive i have a pic of me standing infront of a tree with the pants on when they were skin tight so i'll have to take comparison photos for motivation.
then tonight she was bitching how she's "mysteriously" gained 5 lbs and said again "you do look like you've lost weight" and dad goes, "don't go crazy". the thing that bothers me about that is that i do INDEED plan to lose more..10 more atleast, which is quite visible on a short person..and i just really hope they don't start getting on my back about things.
tomorrow...will be at the office all day where food is continuously shoved in my face. managed to pass up pizza AND a muffin on tuesday. hope i can be strong as possible tomorrow because pretty sure dad is taking us out to some amazing italian restaurant tomorrow night..so pretty much have to eat nothing all day..
ok im exhausted. night nighht.
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| wednesday morning |
[29 Nov 2006|10:12am] |
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mom was 30 mins late getting to work this morning because she was convinced nothing looked good on her..i was so pissed because all i wanted to do was throw off the clothes and jump on her scale..so finally she just left and this morning the scale read 119. however, yesterday at this time i was at 118.
just had some banana for breakfast and now i will go to my coffee.
today will be fucking hell...so much shit to do..ugh. the only positive thing right now is having a great hair and make-up day for some unknown reason. just found a MAC eyeshadow i haven't seen in forever ..very exciting.
alright back to my research on freud...yey.
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| .. |
[29 Nov 2006|01:09am] |
so i just binged. i was craving sugar today like mad. then i realized..it's THAT time of the month...enter the fucking week of pms hell where restricting is 2920203 harder than usual =(
fucking hell.
i just ate: ketchup chips, granola bar, crackers & 2 cookies.
i was at approx 600 cals before that..now i'm up to around 1100-1200 for the day..within 5 minutes..i ate my last bite at 11:54 so atleast it won't go into tomorrow's count..a new day.
thank god i did that bodycombat class earlier or i'd be so fukked. not that i'm not...
i was so good these past few days..and i'm not gonna lie..while i was doing it, it was pure bliss =( now, the aftermath, i'm in hell and all i can think about is how fucking fat i'm going to be when i go to europe in february and everyone is going to stare at my fatness as my tops cling to my fat stomach and show the rollage. crazy how the mind gets on different levels so quickly.
the joys of starving.
what is the scale going to say tomorrow?
fruit for breakfast, baby carrots for lunch.. i can't be eating this shit with xmas around the corner...i'm so fucking scared i'm gonna get all addicted to sugar again.
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| a new day |
[22 Nov 2006|07:37am] |
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pussycat dolls - beep |
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i can't sleep! ah the joys of insomnia.
buttt just stepped on the scale and it read 119! pretty much back in business. as of today the large portion of my most intense assignments and exams will be over and thus, easier to restrict =D last year i gained 7 lbs at exam time and this year..that will NOT be happening!
yesterday at work i did really well. m-lou is trying to lose weight now so she seemed to eat less infront of me which was good. although her taco looked delicious. wow, that sounded WRONG hahaa. anyways, warren came in and goes "hey skinny" and proceeded to tell me i was getting too skinny and he goes "you don't want to lose anymore do you?!" and he actually made me feel like i was gross or something by his tone! but m-lou was like "you look good, don't worry!" i just cannot believe he actually thinks that.
today's forecasted menu
breakfast - small bowl special k
lunch - cup of timmie's coffee
getting my haircut tonight! yey. mom just said she's ordering chinese for dinner..so i better have control..i will i will i will.
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[21 Nov 2006|08:42am] |
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somehow back down to 120 this morning!
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| ... |
[20 Nov 2006|12:00am] |
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i am disgusting. i let my stress take over tonight and binged just now =(
i have this fucking research methods assignment and i don't know what the fuck they want and i just took it out on my body ..ugh..
let's see...tonight i ate an egg mcmuffin, piece of pie, chips and a bowl of mini-wheats. yep, i'm gonna be fat tomorrow. what pisses me off the most was i wasn't even hungry after the egg muffin.
i need to KICK IT UP A NOTCH if i wanna break out of 120s for good. was 119 the other day but it keeps going back and forth from that to 120 and i bet tomorrow will be like 121-122. i want out of 120s ..FOR GOOD.
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| yey |
[17 Nov 2006|12:12am] |
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stoned in love |
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i did 800 today in total even under all the stress! quite pleased with myself.
once again i was tempted to buy lunch cos am and di were but i resisted.
so apparently warren approached mom at work and said "tia's losing weight. she's getting too skinny" (but i think he was joking when he said "she's getting too skinny" or another explanation could be that he's a coloured man and we all know they like women to be more meaty) then mom said "she has been excersizing" and he said "she must be excersizing a lot". this is what mom told me last night. she doesn't seem to be concerned which is good because i don't need them to accuse me of things. i know i'm not crazy so it's all good. when she told me that, i mentioned how i wanna lose another 10 and the parentals both said "WHAT" and then "no" at the same time. it's so frustrating. people made little comments about my weight and now that i'm losing people are telling me to stop. meanwhile i don't see a giant difference so i dont get the big deal. i wish i could lose more fat from my face..that is what bothers me the most.
is there such thing as face fat reduction excercizes? lol or anything i could do?
i must admit a large reason why i didn't order lunch today with 'em was because this really fat chick came and sat at the table next to us. i couldn't stop staring at her but i didn't make it obvious of course. the only thought that ran through my mind was how i did not want to be that. ohh but this beautiful thin chick was also beside us on other side..her thighs..i would kill for them...i noticed that she wasn't eating lunch but sitting there watching her friend eat his subway..so i'm guessing that's why she's so gorgeously tiny.
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lepapillonxo's journal